Self-care August 15, 2009

As we’re gearing up for a busy school year ahead, it is important for moms to take time for themselves, too.  To some moms, just getting time alone for a shower once a day is a welcome escape from taking care of others.  This is often the case when raising infants and toddlers.  Although the kids’ needs usually come first, there is wisdom in caring for yourself.  Loving yourself and nurturing yourself are good habits for life.  They model healthy psychosocial development for our children, as well. This doesn’t mean that I advocate putting the kids needs after yours on a regular basis.  That is for each family to decide based on their personal values and beliefs about child-rearing.  Rather, I’m advocating that as a mother, self-care is essential because mothering takes a lot of creative energy, and you can’t continue to tap that resource unless you take time to refill the source.

Take a daily walk, if you can.  That is a good beginning.  Don’t take your cell phone with you unless you need it for emergencies.  This is quiet time for your brain and body to exhale.  Extend the walk a little bit each day until you feel that you’ve reached the right amount of time and distance for your mind/body.

Write down your thoughts each day-in whatever form you wish.  This simple practice allows you to purge your thoughts and ideas, and think with more clarity.  You may have some welcomed creative outbursts, as well.  A daily journal entry of 1 page is a good place to start.

Give yourself something beautiful.  You will decide what it is.  For some moms, a massage is the perfect gift.  For others, a new skein of yarn or a cup of tea in the garden will suffice.  Some times require different measures than others.  After a particularly difficult day, perhaps mom needs time to cuddle up with a good book and some dark chocolate.

Pay attention to your own needs.  Whatever the need may be, notice it.  Try not to judge, change, or dismiss it.  Allow it to show itself.  Try to give it a name, such as “rest” or “a night out” or “a distraction.” Think about how you can address that need, including a time that it will be addressed.  Try to meet your needs where they are-based on your own resources.  A trip to Hawaii may be within the reach of some in the immediate future, but most of us need to save and plan for such an extravagance.  A dip in the local swim hole with a girlfriend may satisfy the need for natural beauty and nature in the near future.

Self-care is an ongoing process, a skill like any other work we value.  Taking the time for self-care may be difficult if you allow yourself to feel unworthy or try to play the part of the martyr who needs little and serves all.  As tempting as this role can be, it is not advisable.  Martyrdom is not a behavior we want to see manifesting with our own children, so we should do away with it in our own lives.  Self-care is an ingredient for a happy life and happy family.

Giving and receiving December 5, 2008

This time of year we feel especially drawn to give.  Giving to others is a way of deepening our community connections, offering our services to those in need without expectation, and allowing our potential for altruism to be expressed.  “Giving is more important than receiving” is a quote that I recall learning as a small child.  I’ve tried to model and teach this to my own children, but I also love getting gifts-especially symbols of appreciation.  Why do we need to express and receive appreciation, symbolically, or not?  Usually doing a job well is its own reward.  Parenting comes to mind.  You give your kids your time, energy, love.  You watch them grow and blossom.  It is enough.  Then, when a little one comes in bearing a handmade card with sincere messages and images of appreciation – the tears begin to fall.  There is such joy in giving and receiving.  It doesn’t have to be materialistic-despite what the economists say we should do.  Buying isn’t necessarily the best way to give.  It is a legitimate venue for showing appreciation, but it isn’t the only option this holiday.  Giving can be a  creative endeavor-or a simple intuitive act of kindness.  Receiving can also be an art-to open oneself to the love that is embodied in a gift-it makes your heart grow.  It is okay to receive the affection, admiration, and appreciation of others – and to love yourself a bit more in the process.

Nurturing the Nurturer November 1, 2008

Taking care of babies or women with babies, for that matter, is an enviable job.  Motherhood is the most rewarding position, work and status.  Midwifery is much like motherhood, in that we watch women becoming mothers, nurturing their mothering instincts.  When the caretaker gives (and gives) selflessly, she requires a centered foundation that is, itself, cared-for.  As mothers and midwives, we must take time to nurture ourselves.

I remember hearing this from older (i.e. wiser) friends when my children were small, and although I knew there was truth in the sage words, I also had a defensive reaction-like the mother in me was being insulted, challenged, and questioned.  I felt that my first obligation was to my kiddos-making sure their needs were met, while mine could wait.  I didn’t feel that it was a “martyr thing”, either.  Rather, it was my calling to function daily at a high-level for my kids, regardless sleep deprivation, a sore back, or PMS.   It wasn’t until my kids were seeking more independence and peer interaction that I started taking time to nurture myself.  I joined an Artist From Within group and scheduled the occasional massage and practiced yoga or danced.

Now as a mother of adolescents, I’ve committed much of my nurturing to my clients, the women and babies that I serve daily.  Their needs are my priority and I extend myself to meet them.  Now self-care is also my priority, and it feels like I rise to a higher-level of functioning each time I take time for a  yoga class or walk around the lake.  “Refilling my well” through self-nurturing:  making my favorite dish for dinner, allowing myself to sleep in, reading for pleasure…these things, like little gifts to myself, give me momentum, clarity, joy and a healthy mental outlook.  I have a good attitude and no guilt!

So, nurturing the nurturer isn’t a narcissistic endeavor-an egotisitcal excuse to indulge self at the cost of others.  No.  Women can be their best at mothering and in partnership, in part by taking care of themselves.